Despite having lived through 2001, we have such a collectively narrow memory of it, recollections having been blotted out by the images of terrorists attacking the World Trade Center. Perhaps that’s why the most accurate assessment of the year’s events comes not from looking back, but from looking forward.
In 1968, Arthur C. Clarke did just that with his novel “2001: A Space Odyssey.” Most notably, Clarke saw a monolithic rectangular slab with the power to change everything. While he got some of the details wrong, such as the size, color, and location, he was surprisingly prescient. He rather blandly dubbed this object “the monolith,” but today we know it by the much friendlier moniker “iPod.”
Many of Clarke’s other predictions for the year also came to pass. For example, in his novel, Clarke conceives of the HAL supercomputer as finally fulfilling man’s desire to build actual intelligence into its thinking machines. HAL, for its part, goes insane and tries to kill its human oppressors. Today we know this technology as the Microsoft Xbox.
In the novel, astronaught David Bowman approaches the massive monolith orbiting Iapetus, one of Saturn’s larger moons. His last words to mission control are, “The thing’s hollow — it goes on forever — and — oh my God! — it’s full of stars!” Anyone who’s ever tried to look something up on Wikipedia and been sucked into its infinite vortex of quasi-legitimate knowledge knows exactly what Bowman was talking about.
Though few people remember it, at the end of the novel, the Cold War finally erupts into a full scale nuclear attack, but humanity is saved by the “Star Child,” an immortal being created by the monolith out of the mind of David Bowman. In the real 2001, the nuclear volley was called Napster, and humanity was only saved by the action of the RIAA, an immortal being created by the monolith out of the minds of record industry executives.
Finally, one of the most memorable predictions from both the novel and the concurrently developed movie was that of technology adding complexities to accomplishing the simplest of tasks, embodied by the zero gravity toilet. Perhaps the most famous, and inarguably the most accurate of his predictions, it was as if Clarke had somehow connected to the internet of the future and witnessed the launch of the site that would change humanity forever: Crazy Apple Rumors Site.
Looking back at the archives, we see that Editor-in-Chief John Moltz must have been bored that December 10th, with four posts in ten minutes:
“New iMac to be ‘Way Cool,’” “Jobs Does Not Deny Rumor of New Apple Laptop Sporting 900 MHz G4, 120” Screen; CARS Operative In Stabile Condition,” “January MacWorld to be Lamest Apple Trade Show Ever; iPod to get Screen Saver” — in which Moltz adds his own form of prescience when he predicts a “free” iPod upgrade costing $20 — and “4th Grader Already Tired of Woz’s Stories.”
The Mac rumor business has been a constant companion for as long as I’ve been using a Mac. Like birds picking scraps from between the teeth of a crocodile, these rumor mongers have made their living getting people to break their non-disclosure agreements, sometimes unintentionally. Apple, for its part, ignored this ecosystem, often officially. When some sites actually seemed to be getting real information out of Big Fruit, the intensity of the ignoring was cranked up to 11, which is to say, Apple ignored them into court, then ignored them right out of business.
Even as the rumor indsutry sputtered and died, Moltz’s parody of it lived on. That’s hardly a new phenomenon. The Onion has outlived, and in fact seems to flourish in the absence of, actual news. For that matter, people still make Yacov Smirnov jokes, even though no one alive remembers the Soviet Union. Though, weirdly, I do remember being a kid and thinking that Russian women were exotic and not just vaguely frightening.
Still, all things must end. This week marks the last time CARS will be updated until the day Moltz wakes up and realizes how much he misses reading the words, “First post. Second Post. First Post. Damn.” That could be months from now, or it could be shortly after the heat death of the universe. Oh sure, he claims it will be much closer to months, but I still claim I’m going to pick up Decorative Edison, and that’s been dead for years.
I’ll never forget when I heard the news. I was at Macworld, stumbling around my hotel room after the first of what would be a week of long nights. I turned on NPR to hear their analysis of the upcoming keynote accouncements and heard the voice of none other than John Moltz. His prediction? Sexbots, obviously. I haven’t heard the wind exit an NPR host that fast since Terry Gross dropped Ira Glass with a roundhouse to the sternum during live coverage of the “hanging chad” scandal.
I ran into Moltz later that day. “John,” I said. “you’ve finally been recognized as the preeminent expert in your field by a national media outlet and blown it by saying the word ‘sexbot’ on the air, as predicted by your 1994 autobiography, ‘It Only Hurts When I Pee: The John Moltz Story.’ What could you possibly do as a second act?” After sitting in reflective silence for ten full minutes, Moltz announced the hiatus.
I was stunned. Not by the announcement, but by a stun gun that Moltz had pulled out during my awkwardly contrived opening sentence. Embarrassingly, I released my bowels. Not from the stun gun; just now. I’ve been writing this while waiting for Delicious Library 2 to build, and I accidentally looked directly at it, even though I should know better.
Anyway, there’s been a lot to love about Crazy Apple Rumors Site over the years. Aside from serving as my primary source of information on Apple’s corporate executives and help desk advice, CARS has always been there to remind us to look on the light side. Still, my favorite CARS moment has to be recently, when Moltz retaliated against my invoking his name by actually reporting on Club Thievey.
In all seriousness, when I first started working for Wil the most impressive thing about him was not his money, his car, or his seven Apple Design Awards. It was that he’d been mentioned in CARS. Seeing my own name on those hollowed pages was the exact moment I knew I had finally made it. If this was a Stephen King novel, that’s what six years of maintaining the finest Apple news site in history would have been for, and CARS, having fulfilled its purpose, would fold.
I do so hate it when life imitates art.
Addenda 
Random Lemur
It’s always been a life goal to say “sexbot” on national radio. I’m sad to hear I’ve been beaten.
By the way, one of Lemur CATTA’s choices for this entry was “If you would like to comment on this entry, please visit Alison.” That’s either way nonspecific or a total gimme, depending on how you look at it.
It’s always been a life goal to say “sexbot” on national radio. I’m sad to hear I’ve been beaten.
By the way, one of Lemur CATTA’s choices for this entry was “If you would like to comment on this entry, please visit Alison.” That’s either way nonspecific or a total gimme, depending on how you look at it.
Lemur SEXBOT #9
I miss a lot about CARS already, but mostly Moltz’ incessant, inappropriate advances on my fine, shiny, tin ba-donka-donk.
I miss a lot about CARS already, but mostly Moltz’ incessant, inappropriate advances on my fine, shiny, tin ba-donka-donk.
This week marks the last time CARS will be updated...
Thursday, January 31, 2008
My Favorite CARS Moment
